It's Amazing What One Has to Believe,
to Believe in Gun Control
By Michael Z. Williamson
According to the anti-gun crowd we're supposed to believe:
That a punk wakes up one morning, and thinks, Gee, instead of robbing,
raping, sodomizing and killing a young woman, why dont I turn my $400
gun in for $20 and a pizza and go work at McDonalds?
That the more helpless you are, the safer you are from criminals.
That you should give a mugger your wallet, because he doesnt really
want to shoot you and hell let you go, but that you should give him
your wallet, because hell shoot you if you dont.
That Washington DCs low murder rate of 80.6 per 100,000 is due to
strict gun control, and Indianapolis high murder rate of 5.5 per 100,000
is attributable to the utter lack of gun control.
That despite all the outrage about Corporate Americas cavalier treatment
of employees, Dominos Pizzas demand that employees be unarmed
is an altruistic effort to stop them from hurting themselves, and not a
calculated financial bid to avoid having a lawsuit filed by a dead robbers
That one can sue a store for having a slick floor, falling ceilings, and
sharp corners, but if they refuse to let you bring a gun in and you get shot
by a criminal, they arent liable for enforcing that rule with others.
That there is no right of self defense, but the police are not legally
obligated to respond to my cries for help when disarmed, but you can sue
them if they take too long to get to a traffic accident.
That assault rifles are far too powerful to hunt deer and elk, and too
dangerous for private citizens to own, but are too impotent for modern warfare,
too weak to reliably kill soldiers, and have no place in the concept of a
That the preferred weapon of a drug dealer is a $25 .22 pocket pistol,
and the preferred weapon of a drug dealer is a $2000 machinegun.
That any cheap weapon is a Saturday night special, and any
expensive weapon is an assault weapon.
That Cops and other shows are edited to show the boring encounters
with traffic stops and the occasional drunken fool with a revolver in his
pocket, and never show the millions of cases where the cops are gunned down
in droves by machinegun toting drug dealers.
That NYPD Blue and Miami Vice are documentaries.
That an intruder will be incapacitated by tear gas or oven spray, but
if shot with a .44 Magnum will get angry and kill you.
That firearms in the hands of private citizens are the gravest threat
to world peace, and China, Pakistan and Korea can be trusted with nuclear
That Charlton Heston as president of the NRA is a shill who should be
ignored, but Michael Douglas as a representative of Handgun Control, Inc.
is an ambassador for peace who is entitled to an audience at the UN arms
That ordinary people, in the presence of guns, turn into slaughtering
butchers, and revert to normal when the weapon is removed.
That someone who fails to clear his weapon, fails to point it in a safe
direction, pulls the trigger without checking the chamber, and blows his
foot off is an example of how even a trained professional can
be a victim of a diabolical gun, but people in the military,
who clean weapons millions of times a year without getting hurt, are dumb
That the New England Journal of Medicine is filled with expert advice
about guns, just like Guns and Ammo has some excellent treatises on heart
That one should consult an automotive engineer for safer seatbelts, a
civil engineer for a better bridge, a surgeon for spinal paralysis, a computer
programmer for Y2K problems, and Sarah Brady for firearms expertise.
That the best thing our kids can do to bullies and drug dealers is just
say no, and fight back, and the best thing we can do to bullies and
drug dealers is to give them $50 and wait for them to go away.
That its outrageous that the Milwaukee police took 45 minutes to
respond to reports of Jeffrey Dahmers last victim running around naked
in the cold, then returned him to his attacker without checking ID, but the
best thing a citizen can do in an emergency is dial 911.
That the right of the people peaceably to assemble, the
right of the people to be secure in their homes, the
enumeration herein of certain rights shall not be construed to disparage
others retained by the people, The powers not delegated herein
are reserved to the states respectively, and to the people, refer to
individuals, but the right of the people to keep and bear arms
refers to the states.
That the 2nd Amendment, ratified in 1791, allows the states to have a
National Guard, created by act of Congress in 1916.
That the National Guard, paid by the federal government, occupying property
leased to the federal government, using weapons owned by the federal government,
punishing trespassers under federal law, is a state agency.
That private citizens cant have handguns, because they serve no
militia purpose, even though the military has hundreds of thousands of them,
and private citizens cant have assault rifles, because they are military
That it is reasonable for California to have a minimum 2 year sentence
for possessing but not using an assault rifle, and reasonable for California
to have a 6 month minimum sentence for raping a female police officer.
That it is reasonable to jail people for carrying but not using guns,
but outrageous to jail people for possessing marijuana.
That minimum sentences violate civil rights, unless its for possessing
That door-to-door searches for drugs are a gross violation of civil rights
and a sign of fascism, but door-to-door searches for guns are a reasonable
solution to the gun problem.
That the first amendment absolutely allows child pornography and threats
to kill cops, but doesnt apply to manuals on gun repair.
That a woman in a microskirt, perfume and a Wonderbra, without underwear,
is a helpless victim, but someone getting paid $6 an hour to deliver the
cash from a fast food place to the bank at the same time every night is,
"asking for it." And you won't allow either of them to carry a gun.
That Illinois' law that allows almost any government official from Governor
to dogcatcher to carry a gun is reasonable, and the law that prohibits any
private citizen, even one with 50 death threats on file and a million dollar
jewelry business, is reasonable. And it isn't a sign of police stateism.
That the 80 religious kooks in Waco were a threat to American security,
but snipers killing them as they left the building, machinegunning children,
hiding the video evidence, possibly torching the building on purpose, and
having no case to present in federal court is good law enforcement. And it
isn't a sign of police stateism.
That free speech entitles one to own newspapers, transmitters, computers,
and typewriters, but self defense only justifies bare hands.
That with the above, a 90 LB woman attacked by a 300 LB rapist and his
300 LB buddy, has the right to kill them in self defense, provided
she uses her bare hands.
That theres nothing in the Constitution that specifically prohibits
banning certain guns, but there is something in the Constitution that
specifically prohibits banning certain sex acts.
That gun safety courses in school only encourage kids to commit violence,
but sex education in school doesnt encourage kids to have sex.
That the ready availability of guns today, with only a few government
forms, waiting periods, checks, infringements, ID, and fingerprinting, is
responsible for all the school shootings, compared to the lack of school
shootings in the 1950s and 1960s, which was caused by the awkward
availability of guns at any hardware store, gas station, and by mail order.
That we must get rid of guns because a deranged lunatic may go on a shooting
spree at any time, and anyone who owns a gun out of fear of such a lunatic
That there is too much explicit violence featuring guns on TV, and that
cities can sue gun manufacturers because people arent aware of the
dangers involved with guns.
That the gun lobbys attempt to run a dont touch
campaign about kids handling guns is propaganda, and the anti-gun lobbys
attempt to run a dont touch campaign is responsible social
That the crime rate in America is decreasing because of gun control, and
the increase in crime requires more gun control.
That 100 years after its founding, the NRA got into the politics of guns
from purely selfish motives, and 100 years after the Emancipation Proclamation,
the black civil rights movement was founded from purely noble motives.
That statistics showing high murder rates justify gun control, and statistics
that show increasing murder rates after gun control are just
That we dont need guns against an oppressive government, because
the Constitution has internal safeguards, and we should ban and seize all
guns, therefore violating the 2nd, 4th, 5th and 9th Amendments of that
Constitution, thereby becoming an oppressive government.
That guns are an ineffective means of self defense for rational adults,
but in the hands of an ignorant criminal become a threat to the fabric of
That guns are so complex to use that special training is necessary to
use them properly, and so simple to use that they make murder easy.
That guns contribute to high death rates and should be banned, but tobacco
and alcohol are okay.
That guns cause crime, which is why there has never been a mass slaying
at a gun show.
That guns cause crime, just like matches cause arson.
That guns cause crime, just like women cause prostitution.
That guns cause crime, just like men cause rape.
That guns arent necessary to national defense, which is why the
army only has 3 million of them.
That banning guns works, which is why New York, DC, and Chicago cops need
guns against armed criminals.
That the Constitution protects us, so we dont need guns, and can
confiscate them, thereby violating the 5th amendment of that constitution.
That women are just as intelligent and capable as men, and a woman with
a gun is an accident waiting to happen.
That women are just as intelligent and capable as men, and gunmakers
advertisements aimed at women are preying on their fears.
That a handgun, with up to 4 switches and controls, is far too complex
for the typical adult to learn to use, as opposed to an automobile that only
That handguns are useful only for murder, which is why the police and
military define them as defensive weapons.
That neighbors who carry guns against the occasional lunatic are paranoid,
because of the perfectly justifiable fear that every single one of them is
waiting to turn into a lunatic.
That a majority of the population supports gun control, just like a majority
of the population used to support owning slaves.
That one should ignore as idiots politicians who confuse Wicca with Satanism
and exaggerate the gay community as a threat to society, but listen sagely
to politicians who can refer to a self-loading small arm as a weapon
of mass destruction and an assault weapon.
That there is no absolute right to a weapon, documented historically because
the British government used to prohibit Catholics from owning guns. And that
wasnt a sign of religious bigotry.
That rifles with pistol grips are assault weapons, just like vehicles
with racing stripes are sports cars.
That you dont need a gun against invaders, because the government
will know in plenty of time to issue you whatever weapons you need.
That Massachusetts is safer with bans on guns, which is why Teddy Kennedy
has machinegun toting guards.
That most people cant be trusted, so we should have laws against
guns, which most people will abide by, because they can be trusted.
That a woman raped and strangled with her panties is morally superior
to a woman with a smoking gun and a dead rapist at her feet.
That guns should be banned because of the danger involved, and live reporting
from the battlefield, which can keep the enemy informed of troop deployments,
getting thousands of troops killed and perhaps losing a war, is a protected
act that CANNOT be compromised on.
That the right of peeingschoolgirls.com cannot be questioned because it
is a constitutionally protected extension of the Bill of Rights, and the
claim that handguns are for self defense is merely an excuse, and not really
protected by the Bill of Rights.
That the ACLU is good because it uncompromisingly defends certain parts
of the Constitution, and the NRA is bad, because it defends other parts of
That a house with a gun is three times as likely to have a murder, just
like a house with insulin is three times as likely to have a diabetic.
That police operate in groups with backup, which is why they need larger
capacity magazines than civilians, who must face criminals alone, and therefore
need less ammunition.
That we should ban Saturday Night Specials and other inexpensive
guns because its not fair that poor people have access to guns too.
That guns have no legitimate use, but alcohol does, which is why we issue
cops guns instead of beer.
That police and soldiers are the dregs of society who were unfit to get
any real job, which perfectly qualifies them with the high moral standards
and keen intellects to handle these complicated tools and be our guardians.
That its acceptable to arm a courier at $6 an hour to shoot criminals
for stealing bank deposits, but unacceptable for a college-educated business
owner to do it himself.
That a registration plan will reduce crime, because criminals will register
their guns despite the Supreme Court decision Haynes v. U.S. (309 U.S. 85,
1968) that registration violates self-incrimination.
That its reasonable to require proof of a criminal act before an
order of protection can be issued, and reasonable to assume anyone with a
gun will commit a criminal act.
That teaching abstinence exclusively rather than use of condoms is doomed
to fail, but encouraging absolute bans on guns rather than education in safe
use is the only acceptable method of reducing crime.
That it is outrageous that civilians have rifles that were designed for
the military, for self defense, but perfectly okay to have polluting, potentially
unstable, heavy vehicles that were designed for the military, simply as status
That guns are the gravest threat to society, because 83,000,000 gun owners
didnt commit a crime yesterday.
That it is essential to incorporate locks and sensors into guns to make
them safer, that only a criminal would not support them, and cops and federal
agents would be exempt for safety reasons.
That a bank guard can protect money with a gun, but you cannot protect
your children with one.
That all gun dealers sell illegal weapons, just like all black people
That crime is higher in urban areas with less guns, and we must continue
to disarm the minorities in these areas because of the risk of crime, and
that isnt bigotry.
That an underpaid, overworked bodyguard should be glad to throw himself
in front of a bullet for you.
That your safety is someone elses responsibility, but they have
no right to tell you how to live your life.
That guns are useless against tyranny, because an armed populace of 160
million cannot defeat an army of 2 million mixed in among it.
That if the above is true, we should not be terrified of the concept of
that government holding control of our lives and freedom at its whim.
That the piecemeal destruction of the right to keep and bear arms makes
the right useless, and therefore justifies destroying it further.
That one should be more afraid of ones spouse blowing a gasket and
shooting the children, than of those children being run over by a hormone-driven
teenager in a car.
It cant happen here.
That people are too stupid to handle guns, but are intelligent enough
That guns are not an effective means of self-defense, which is why police
That one can study the gun issue, but know the
difference between an assault rifle and a battle rifle.
That the NRA, with over 3 million members, is out of touch
with America, and HCI, with 50 thousand members, is a mandate from
That a baseball bat is good protection against a burglar, provided his
gun fires baseballs.
That to judge a group by secondhand news and hearsay is bigotry, unless
that group is the NRA.
That the National Defense Act of 1916 doesnt exist.
That pricing products out of the reach of poor people through excessive
regulation is discriminatory practice, unless that product is a gun.
That manufacturers are not responsible for damages caused by their products,
unless that product is a gun.
That trigger locks and other devices make guns safer, which is why the
police and military refuse to use them.
That registration of guns will help law enforcement, because that way
they wont need probable cause and a warrant to conduct a search.
That registration of guns, which makes their existence a matter of public
knowledge under the FOIA, isnt dangerous to owners.
That registration of guns, in violation of the McClure-Volkmer Act, and
as declared unconstitutional by the Supreme Court, is somehow still legal.
That private citizens making private sales of private property is a
That making it harder to get a license to sell firearms legally will reduce
the number of people selling illegally.
That its safer to do nothing than resist with a gun, which is why
the military wins so many wars by not fighting.
That we must close shooting ranges because of the noise, but ban silencers
because they are quiet.
That owning a gun for self-defense indicates an intent to kill, just like
owning a first aid kit indicates an intent to impersonate a physician.
That guns are an epidemic so we should treat them with penicillin.
That theres no right to own military weapons, which is why the Civilian
Marksmanship Program at
to sell military weapons to civilians under Congressional authority.
That suggesting teachers be armed is an outrageous suggestion for a
civilized society, which is why the Swiss and Israelis do it.
That making it harder and harder for even cops to have guns on school
property will make it harder for lunatics to kill the utterly helpless students.
That accidents with a product justify banning the product, even though
MADD has never called for a ban on alcohol, people actively push to legalize
drugs, and no one wants to ban swimming pools, so basically its only
practical items like guns we should ban and not the luxury items that are
essential to human survival.
That the 14th Amendment requires states to accept each others drivers
licenses, even with age or vision requirement differences, marriage licenses
even with age or relationship differences or if its a gay marriage,
but somehow doesnt apply to licenses to carry weapons.
That the same people who build illegal high-tech drug labs for less than
$30,000 wont build illegal low-tech gun shops for less than $10,000.
That people with large gun collections are dangerous, especially if they
have more than two hands to shoot with.
That autoloaders are easily converted to fully automatic fire,
and the person telling you this has no idea how its accomplished.
That banning rifles with bayonet lugs will cut down on all the drive-by
That shooting at an intruder who smashes your door and enters with knife
in hand will somehow escalate the violence.
That it is illegal to use tax money for political campaigning, unless
its to ban guns.
That its safer with less guns, which is why lunatics shoot up schools
instead of gun shows or police stations.
That guns cause crime, which is why there was no rape or murder in the
That stopping the people who dont commit murder from having guns
will lessen the number of those who do.
Since banning a few guns hasnt helped, we should ban more.
That just like the anti-nuclear weapons movement, if the potential victims
disarm, the oppressors will take pity on them and give up their weapons in
That oppressing gun owners until they violate the law justifies oppressing
That crime guns and old police guns should be destroyed at
government expense, because the cost of exorcising the evil spirits from
them before selling them to lawful owners is exorbitant.
That raising the legal age to possess firearms from 18 to 21 will REALLY
show those 16 year olds.
That inner-city blacks in public housing should be disarmed to prevent
crimes, but not rich white suburbanites. And it isnt a sign of racism.
That creating firearms crime by having a Byzantine code of firearm laws
proves theres a problem, and justifies more laws to create more crime.
That parents who give guns to problem children to teach them
responsibility are not responsible for the deaths they cause, but everyone
elses guns are.
That gun owners are a threat by existing that must be destroyed by any
means possible, and their rights are unimportant, but the thugs who attack
us on the street who the gun owners wish to be armed against are simply a
problem we have to put up with.
That one should judge all gun owners by the acts of a few criminals, just
like one should judge all blacks by the acts of a few inner-city crack dealers.
That making it harder to get firearms legally will reduce their illegal
use, just like making it harder to get a prescription will cut down on the
illicit drug trade.
That its tragic when a child dies in a firearms accident, and we
must pass restrictive laws to prevent it, but children poisoned by household
chemicals are simply unavoidable accidents.
That I dont need a gun, therefore no one needs one, and I have the
right to impose that belief and will on them.
That stupidity can be cured by legislation.
That societies with less guns have less killings by guns. Just like societies
with less cars have less vehicular homicide.
That criminals who rob to support their drug habit can afford $65 a minute
in ammunition for their automatic Weapon of choice.
That with nationwide gun control, the entire nation can be as safe as
NYC, LA and Chicago.
That since a gun isnt 100% effective for self defense, you should
get rid of it, along with your first aid kit and fire extinguisher, since
they arent 100% effective, either.
That if Chicago were to legalize firearms, it would have shootouts in
the streets, which never happens now.
That its wrong to use tax dollars to finance private political agendas,
unless that agenda is to ban guns.
That a "safe gun" will help stop criminal misuse of firearms like "safe
sex" works so well to stop rape.
That a cop with felonies on his record is safe with fully automatic weapons
and a churchgoing mother with a parking ticket as her worst crime is unfit
to use a pistol to protect her child.
That a suicide who used a gun would still be alive if theyd used
a knife or hanged themselves.
That someones suicide is a problem for the rest of us that would
be prevented if we gave up our guns.
That alcohol is acceptable in private, as long as the user doesnt
use it while driving. But mere possession of a gun is a threat to others.
That gun owners are unwilling to compromise, which is why there are only
20,000 gun laws in the US.
That criminals are better shots than civilians, because of all the time
they spend on the practice range.
That since criminals are better shots by the logic above, one is safer
by not shooting back, but just waiting for them to run out of ammo.
That its reasonable to assume an accident would have been lethal
if the victim wasnt wearing a seatbelt, and reasonable to assume that
an armed defender would have been safe even if they didnt have a gun.
That one accidental death is too many, but thousands of people dying because
the means of self-defense were not available is unavoidable and not worthy
That we should ban guns because people have a right to feel safe,
but the right to feel safe by owning firearms for defense is not valid.
That its outrageous to count 18 and 19 year-old parents as
children for statistical purposes, but perfectly acceptable to
count them as children for purposes of exaggerating gun deaths among
That a zero-tolerance policy is bad regarding drugs, but a zero-tolerance
policy is good regarding guns.
That martial arts are a better form of self-defense, and can defeat an
armed opponent, but we still need to ban guns because of the danger they
present to those few people who dont know karate.
That government officials can be trusted with automatic weapons, but private
citizens cannot, because of the number of people they kill while kicking
in doors without search warrants.